So there I am hanging between extreme excitement and dreadful anxiety.
Surely, I am not 15 anymore, when you take a luggage fill it with the freshly washed clothes prepared by your mother and the next day you take the train or plane and start your exciting journeys to the unknown without fears, real obligations and with the unquestionable axiom that you can only win form this.
This is not the case anymore. Or perhaps it could be but no, rather not.
I am 29, and my mum does not prepare me the pile of clothes and I am not taking the plane anymore without fear but I do with certain obligations and the ultimate aim to avoid failure.
We change over the time so do our skills to handle the unknown.
I remember when I was accepted to study in Oxford; I happily told the news to my back then Russian boyfriend. He was devastated. I clearly recall how the color on his face changed and how he turned to be almost mad. I took it as a sign of deep love. We were in the beginning of our twenties and also at the beginning of our relationship.
So though it was my dream, right there, seeing his face I decided I would not go.
After several long and fully cried nights I was on the plane to spend half a year without the people I loved.
I know he was mad.
The same reaction and scenario repeated two years later when I got a fantastic job that moved me move to Brussels. But then it was slightly different. He was happy or pretend to be and once I left I got a message: ‘I am mad at you because you will not be with me’.
I do not blame him. We were young and we were selfish.
After four years, we broke up and I was thankful for God to my parents and myself that though I was made to feel as if I abandon a person I love, I did got to Oxford and I did move to Brussels. I would have regretted for life not making these journeys. … But we only see things backwards.
Today, 11 days before my travel, I look into the eyes of my love and it’s filled with shine and happiness. First I took it as a sign of neutrality but yesterday night I realized that I was all wrong.
I was all wrong believing that my ex’s madness over my freedom of choice and over my excitement towards my personal adventure was a sign of love. It was a sign of false love. A sign of love that is possessive and selfish.
And I was also wrong about my love, who is happy for my adventure seeking desires and gives me wings to fly, the motivation to grow and the desire to accomplish. I know now that this is a sign of real love. A sign of love that gives liberty and allows me to come back to the We as a full I.
I am scared (how would not I be) but I do not feel I abandon anybody, because he does not make me feel guilty; he makes me appreciate the opportunity…and with that he makes me appreciate us.
The preparation is not easy, I have a tight deadline and I have no place to sleep yet…and my heart is beating faster each time I think of a day to be spent without him.
But we both know, our individual happiness can only make good to our future. A future that aims to withhold any regret of journeys we were too afraid to do under the name of love. We want a future filled with memories and journeys that we were encouraged in the name of love. Since us does not mean to give up the dream of I(s).